After the two week wait…

photo-10 Where do I start? I have so much to say… The two week wait is over.  I had 2 embryos transferred back to me on the 26th April and 4 healthy embryos frozen.  Having my fertilised embryos given back to me was probably the happiest I have felt on this journey.

Every day I have thanked god and told him I know he has me as a mother in his plan for my life.  Sadly 12 days into my two week wait I started to bleed heavily. Was told by my nurse I had to continue with my progesterone and take the pregnancy test on the date I was instructed to. My heart new I had not held on to my precious embies, I have cried so much for them, but I know now for sure that they have gone, my test result is negative. This time round it was not meant to be.

I can honestly say that through the tears I am still thanking my god, and I have not lost hope. I know I will be a mother. IVF is emotionally and physically draining. My heart always goes out to all those women out there going through this too. We are warriors ladies, don’t give up! I have not….

My doctor noticed something during my transfer which no one had noticed through all my extensive fertility investigations and endometriosis treatment. He sat me and hubby down after the transfer to discuss what he had seen (my womb looked heart shaped, a normal womb is shaped like an upside down pear) and how he felt that it was effecting me getting pregnant and that he hoped this round would work, but if it did not he wanted to see me to and book me in to have an operation to correct the shape of my womb. I guess I walked away wanting to believe that this first time round of IVF would work.  Now that I know it did not work, I have even more hope and faith that all I need now is this corrective surgery and I will be ready to have my  Sleeping Beauties (Frozen embryos) back.

So how do I feel… sad yes very sad, am mourning the loss of my embies, I fell deeply in love with them… still crying as I write this… My hubby has been the most amazing person to me through this, he has smothered me with Love, cuddles and wipes away my tears. He reminds me that we are a team, in it together forever, we both believe in that God is in control. Once I am treated properly for something that had been missed up un till now, hubby and I are still on track to become parents.  I am thankful for my faith and belief.  I may feel emotions and cry but I am a believer… I wont sink into despair or fear.  I BELIEVE…

 

Grow Follicles Grow!!!

26 Days into IVF…

Had my third scan today.  Scans are not the most pleasant, and today my left ovary was playing hide and seek! which did not help.  Finally my wonderful sonographer managed to find it and was told I had 5 follicles growing in my right ovary and 3 on my right! I have another scan booked in for monday.  Doctor is happy with the progress and how my body is reacting to the medication.

I feel very uncomfortable now, like I have done oblique exercises!! A little sore and I find laying down the most comfortable position. Walking around I literally feel like I am carrying eggs in two baskets…

So we continue on over the Easter break with two jabs a night, lots of kisses, and cuddles galore….

Happy Easter…x

 

Using my imagination and having visions again….

15008bd4b8811eec6ba530e2398ce762 Its Day 22, everyday my mind is on this IVF treatment, facing the emotions and feelings that come with it.  Everyday I have to renew my mind daily with the word and promises of god.  I am overwhelmed and touched by the women I have met on this journey and those I have known already who continue to inspire me and remind me that we all have battles to face. It pushes me to be strong, to lean and rely on my faith… My awesome God!

Many beautiful women out there, who like myself, dream dreams of love, family, and hope for them to come true.  One of the things that I feel God is putting strongly on my heart is to use my imagination again.

I was always the daydreamer, in my teens, I indulged in daydreaming… after school I would come home, grab a book, always a fictional novel, always full of romance and passion.  I would read chapters, and then close my eyes and daydream… Imagining I was that character, the heroine in the book, that I had met the man of my dreams, that we fell madly in love… and then the love created a family… a family of my own… I honestly spent more time daydreaming in my teens than anything else.  I would recreate those visions in sketches, paintings… and always hope that as I fell asleep at night that I once again I would be taken on a journey of yet more beautiful dreams at night…

So as of today, I am making a conscious effort to daydream again, to use my imagination, to visualise my self pregnant, going through the pregnancy and giving birth to my babies.. my gifts from God.  I have been afraid to daydream. For so many years, have I been constantly disappointed, and listened to the negative thoughts in my head, that I have failed, that I am not complete, that I won’t be a mother.  The dreams became nightmares…

I know for a fact that my negative thoughts are damaging, that I must fill my mind and speak into my life the power and truth of love! I will daydream , and fill my imagination with love, love  and more love!! God is love… This is what I BELIEVE… anything is possible if you believe!!!!  I Believe…. x

 

My First IVF Injections

Its Day 2! after finishing my first post last night, I had my first Injection of Buserelin. Was actually quite a funny experience. I wanted my hubby to do it, he was not with me when the nurse gave me a very brief “how to do your jabs tutorial!”, so I was there trying to explain to him what I could vaguely remember, my wonderful housemate made sure she had read all the instructions (why do men avoid reading the instruction leaflets???)  I then started to feel myself getting nervous, and queasy at the thought of the Buserelin being injected, she started getting very blunt and in her lovely Polish accent started commanding me to stop looking at what they where doing and for hubby to “Stab me quickly with it!!”  It was over with quickly, think we where all relieved and happy with our team work!!  I actually found it ok, my leg felt odd for a while, a little itchy.

I woke up this morning to my hubby telling me how much he loved me, always the best feeling to hear him say that, cause I know his love is unconditional. We prayed together, we really have been making an effort to spend more time in prayer, to put God first, always a great start to the day.

I felt quite tired this morning, not my usual self.  I would normally be up and ready for my HITT training, and have the energy to train again with my Bartendaz crew.  I just pottered about a little, did house work and made sure I had my green smoothie! Those of you who know me will know that a green smoothie every morning without fail has been my breakfast for nearly 3 years now. I will post more about green smoothies and the benefits I have had from them,  I can’t emphasise enough that everyone should have a green smoothie in the morning, make it their daily habit. Your body will love you for it, and you will feel amazing! As soon as I had my green smoothie I felt good, and made my way into the west end for a meeting and a casting. Both went really well.. Lots of exciting things in the pipeline.

Came home, cooked hubby some free range chicken and rice with plenty of veg!, he too has to eat well and be in  the best health, doctors orders and mine!! lol I had my dinner, (am following a vegan based diet while I am on IVF treatment). After dinner it was time for my injection, still felt nervous and hubby was very confident with it today, he told me to kiss him while he did the jab :) I really felt the injection today, was painful and stung so much. Not looking forward to the next one, thank god it is over with quickly!

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I have finally started my blog and this is my first post!!!  Its taken me a while, I am excited and emotional cause today is the day I start my IVF treatment, its a special day. Its nearly 8pm which is the time I will be having my first injection. I have spent all day trying to figure out how to set my blog up, its been a slow process, not something I know much about. As much as I love sharing my journey on my Instagram account Nalintha_lala, blogging has been on my mind and am excited to have finally started to do it. I have so much more to share!!

I have spent years silently suffering from the stress and emotions of not being able to conceive, not even my family have known. I recently  plucked up the courage to tell them that I have been undergoing investigations by my doctor and specialist into why my hubby and I have not been able to conceive. Even though I have strong faith, I am a believer who believes in the best,   I have struggled with the disappointments and of never falling pregnant. My ever loving and supportive hubby has always told me he loves me no matter what, that I am all that he needs and with me he is content. I really do love him so much. We have been through a lot ,11 years together has had its ups and downs yet we have overcome and become stronger.

Have always known deep down that being a wife and mother is where my heart and passion lies. I love being a wife and long to be a mother. I adore children, and have longed for my own babies for years.

December last year I was finally told a laparoscopy would help my doctors know in which direction I should go as it was looking like assisted conception was needed. The laparoscopy revealed that I have endometriosis and had I subsequently had some surgery for.  So here I am today about to start my IVF cycle. IVF treatment is the best way to help me get pregnant due to the endometriosis which has prevented me from getting pregnant.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. Above all I always put my trust in God as he is who I always lean and rely on. I have my peace of mind with my faith and this journey is only possible for me, with him…

Day 1 of IVF