2015 The Journey Continues…

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I have not written in ages, and felt that it was time to update and share where I am at in this journey and what has been going on.

Firstly the picture I have posted was taken by the wonderful photographer Sarah Monrose, we where shooting for a jewellery brand called Rivaalka. At the time this was taken I had just had my frozen embryo transfer and was waiting patiently for my two precious embryos to stick, to stay with me… I always feel the most beautiful and peaceful when that life of D and I together is in me. During that shoot in my spirit and thoughts where focused on them, on the dream, on love. I kept believing was knowing in my heart that I am a mother.

For those of you who know this journey you know what it is like to lose them, you know my pain and heartache. Each time I  had to say goodbye and know that they are with God.

Hubby and I decided that we would take a break from fertility treatment after that lsat round, I wanted to enjoy some time that was free from meds, and hormones, and the horrid progesterone needles!! We could have sometime to try naturally and enjoy ourselves and each other again.

December turned out to be an amazing month, I saw my beautiful little sister get married. The wedding was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I have ever been to! Then my entire family (that means everyone! aunties, uncles, cousins,babies and best friends)  travelled to Sri Lanka for xmas and New year. Hubby and I had one of the best holidays ever. So grateful for it, the memories I will treasure forever.

So here we are and 2015 is underway! The time off treatment has been good for us. Hubby as always is my rock, and the one who comforts me and encourages me to never stop believing. I have focused on getting fit again, and the last 5 weeks I have trained hard, pushed myself and achieved the goals I set in fitness. The bonus of fitness is that a healthy mindset also is nurtured, you need the balance, I need that balance!!

Of course my mind never stops thinking about having babies, and after this much needed break we have decided to get back into treatment. This week I had a consultation with my doctor and we made a plan. I am excited and feeling positive.  We have 2 frozen embryos still waiting. Injections will be starting soon, if my womb is ready we will continue on an artificial cycle like last time. If my doctor sees any problems with Adenomyosis and Endometriosis I will be booked in for further surgery before proceeding with the transfer.

Right now I am taking my time to keep my mind right, in line with my heart, and the promises of God in which I believe in.  I have a big birthday coming up, and I feel like I am finally settling into my true self, that God is guiding me into my true purpose. I will be a mother. With god there is always a way. He completes me.

I will always stay believing…

Post Surgery

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Its been a while since I posted. I filled up my time after losing my embryos with plenty of training, work and enjoying my time.  Knowing that I had been told that my womb would need corrective surgery and that I had to have as more endometriosis dealt with, meant I was back to the waiting game, and this baby making journey had more hurdles to jump!

I absolutely loved my training time, I had 4 weeks before the surgery date to regain some strength after nearly 8 weeks off due to my IVF cycle.  I challenged myself and tried new things like pilates, and more indoor track training (sled suicides, burpee suicides, weighted lunges!) Managed to drop about 5lbs of fat in the process which I wanted as I knew I would be sedentary again after the operation.

The surgery date came around quickly. I was a little nervous as I knew how I would feel after a laparoscopy but no idea how the Hysteroscopy and corrective surgery would go.  I woke up and was in quite a lot of pain, and drifted in and out of sleep, thinking how much I just wanted to see hubby and go home.  My doctor came to discuss my surgery and explained how he had found that I also had a tube that was blocked and a very scarred ovary from endometriosis. He also wanted to book me in for an MRI scan to look deeper into my womb as he had noticed what he described as a heavy enlarged womb. He also continued to say that with all that he was doing and a little further to go ( another surgery), that we can get closer to getting me pregnant!

In all honesty as I am further into this journey with many obstacles, I am able to let go of worries quicker.  I do get impatient, I do have emotional outbursts, and feel sad at times… The key to all this, the thing that makes me able to keep going, to hang on to my dream, is my faith in God.  I speak to him, share my heart with him.  I will not fear, only BELIEVE….

 

 

Learning to walk in peace…

2012-11-25_1353855165 Its been over 3 weeks since I last wrote on here.  I have been meaning to write but never gotten round to it.  I wont lie I have found the last few weeks very challenging, there have been many emotional outbursts that only my hubby has witnessed.  I still feel a sense of loss and sadness about the embryos that where lost.  There are days I wake up and feel anxious as I remember where I am in my life, in my journey to be a mother.  Patience is tested, along with my faith and I fight the battle of doubts and fears, which often come in to my mind.  The one thing I do know is that I love God, I believe in his love and power in my life.  So as much as my soul can waiver my spirit is filled with the love of God. All I have to do is keep reminding myself that I am not alone. His light far outshines the darkness. I have made more of a conscious habit to meditate on his word. I find that I must start my day this way or my day tends to go off in the wrong direction and then my emotions take over.

Thats the beauty of faith, you don’t need masses of it, you just have to believe… my hope makes me hang on to my dreams, and I allow myself to renew my mind with love and beautiful promises.

One of the promises of God that I mediate on daily is that he gives me his peace. God knows how much we need peace of mind.  I don’t have to ask him for it, as he has given it to me, my spirit at one with his. I draw on that promise and it helps me enjoy my day, remain thankful, and know that I am blessed.

 

I am a Warrior at Heart…

Its been a while since my last post and been a busy week of IVF treatment.

I am so close now to having my fertilised eggs given back to me. I had my final scan on Monday. Was told that egg collection would be on wednesday.  Egg collection was quite uncomfortable and even though I was given sedation and painkillers, I found it painful.  I had the most amazing team throughout the procedure.  Half and hour after the sedation kicked in I was told 11 eggs had been collected.  I went home to recover and was told to wait for my call from the Embryologist.

Yesterday I took that phone call… I was told that 4 eggs had reached fertilisation and that I will be having a day 3 Transfer.  I have had so many emotions, all I want now is to have the transfer, to relax and let my body hold on tight to my precious precious embryos… My heart is speaking constantly to God…

 

 

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Using my imagination and having visions again….

15008bd4b8811eec6ba530e2398ce762 Its Day 22, everyday my mind is on this IVF treatment, facing the emotions and feelings that come with it.  Everyday I have to renew my mind daily with the word and promises of god.  I am overwhelmed and touched by the women I have met on this journey and those I have known already who continue to inspire me and remind me that we all have battles to face. It pushes me to be strong, to lean and rely on my faith… My awesome God!

Many beautiful women out there, who like myself, dream dreams of love, family, and hope for them to come true.  One of the things that I feel God is putting strongly on my heart is to use my imagination again.

I was always the daydreamer, in my teens, I indulged in daydreaming… after school I would come home, grab a book, always a fictional novel, always full of romance and passion.  I would read chapters, and then close my eyes and daydream… Imagining I was that character, the heroine in the book, that I had met the man of my dreams, that we fell madly in love… and then the love created a family… a family of my own… I honestly spent more time daydreaming in my teens than anything else.  I would recreate those visions in sketches, paintings… and always hope that as I fell asleep at night that I once again I would be taken on a journey of yet more beautiful dreams at night…

So as of today, I am making a conscious effort to daydream again, to use my imagination, to visualise my self pregnant, going through the pregnancy and giving birth to my babies.. my gifts from God.  I have been afraid to daydream. For so many years, have I been constantly disappointed, and listened to the negative thoughts in my head, that I have failed, that I am not complete, that I won’t be a mother.  The dreams became nightmares…

I know for a fact that my negative thoughts are damaging, that I must fill my mind and speak into my life the power and truth of love! I will daydream , and fill my imagination with love, love  and more love!! God is love… This is what I BELIEVE… anything is possible if you believe!!!!  I Believe…. x

 

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I have finally started my blog and this is my first post!!!  Its taken me a while, I am excited and emotional cause today is the day I start my IVF treatment, its a special day. Its nearly 8pm which is the time I will be having my first injection. I have spent all day trying to figure out how to set my blog up, its been a slow process, not something I know much about. As much as I love sharing my journey on my Instagram account Nalintha_lala, blogging has been on my mind and am excited to have finally started to do it. I have so much more to share!!

I have spent years silently suffering from the stress and emotions of not being able to conceive, not even my family have known. I recently  plucked up the courage to tell them that I have been undergoing investigations by my doctor and specialist into why my hubby and I have not been able to conceive. Even though I have strong faith, I am a believer who believes in the best,   I have struggled with the disappointments and of never falling pregnant. My ever loving and supportive hubby has always told me he loves me no matter what, that I am all that he needs and with me he is content. I really do love him so much. We have been through a lot ,11 years together has had its ups and downs yet we have overcome and become stronger.

Have always known deep down that being a wife and mother is where my heart and passion lies. I love being a wife and long to be a mother. I adore children, and have longed for my own babies for years.

December last year I was finally told a laparoscopy would help my doctors know in which direction I should go as it was looking like assisted conception was needed. The laparoscopy revealed that I have endometriosis and had I subsequently had some surgery for.  So here I am today about to start my IVF cycle. IVF treatment is the best way to help me get pregnant due to the endometriosis which has prevented me from getting pregnant.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. Above all I always put my trust in God as he is who I always lean and rely on. I have my peace of mind with my faith and this journey is only possible for me, with him…

Day 1 of IVF