2015 The Journey Continues…

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I have not written in ages, and felt that it was time to update and share where I am at in this journey and what has been going on.

Firstly the picture I have posted was taken by the wonderful photographer Sarah Monrose, we where shooting for a jewellery brand called Rivaalka. At the time this was taken I had just had my frozen embryo transfer and was waiting patiently for my two precious embryos to stick, to stay with me… I always feel the most beautiful and peaceful when that life of D and I together is in me. During that shoot in my spirit and thoughts where focused on them, on the dream, on love. I kept believing was knowing in my heart that I am a mother.

For those of you who know this journey you know what it is like to lose them, you know my pain and heartache. Each time I  had to say goodbye and know that they are with God.

Hubby and I decided that we would take a break from fertility treatment after that lsat round, I wanted to enjoy some time that was free from meds, and hormones, and the horrid progesterone needles!! We could have sometime to try naturally and enjoy ourselves and each other again.

December turned out to be an amazing month, I saw my beautiful little sister get married. The wedding was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I have ever been to! Then my entire family (that means everyone! aunties, uncles, cousins,babies and best friends)  travelled to Sri Lanka for xmas and New year. Hubby and I had one of the best holidays ever. So grateful for it, the memories I will treasure forever.

So here we are and 2015 is underway! The time off treatment has been good for us. Hubby as always is my rock, and the one who comforts me and encourages me to never stop believing. I have focused on getting fit again, and the last 5 weeks I have trained hard, pushed myself and achieved the goals I set in fitness. The bonus of fitness is that a healthy mindset also is nurtured, you need the balance, I need that balance!!

Of course my mind never stops thinking about having babies, and after this much needed break we have decided to get back into treatment. This week I had a consultation with my doctor and we made a plan. I am excited and feeling positive.  We have 2 frozen embryos still waiting. Injections will be starting soon, if my womb is ready we will continue on an artificial cycle like last time. If my doctor sees any problems with Adenomyosis and Endometriosis I will be booked in for further surgery before proceeding with the transfer.

Right now I am taking my time to keep my mind right, in line with my heart, and the promises of God in which I believe in.  I have a big birthday coming up, and I feel like I am finally settling into my true self, that God is guiding me into my true purpose. I will be a mother. With god there is always a way. He completes me.

I will always stay believing…

Unstoppable…

 

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

This quote came up on @missconceptioncoach ‘s Instagram feed last week when I found out that my Frozen Embryo transfer had failed.  Seemed so fitting and I have told myself everyday that I am never going to stop believing… that we will get there…

Its not easy writing having been so hopeful that this time after all the procedures and investigations, that my precious embies would stay with me.

Those of you who are familiar will know that day when you are finally ready to have them back inside you, your bladder full for the transfer, waiting for the embryologist and doctor to tell you the news that you wanted.. they thawed out safely, still perfectly in tact.  My heart leapt with joy and I cried tears of relief and happiness.

Hubby and I where left to cosy up and nest while my body and embies became one.  I fell in love again.  How can you not? when all you ever long for is a family of your own, that desire to be a mother and know that you are pregnant, something that seems so easy for many to attain, is my battle…

Sadly it was not to be.  I have not cried so much in ages and seeing my husband break down too in sadness just added to my pain. Even now as I write this part of me is in disbelief that they did not stay with me. I wish I had happy news to share.

What I can share is that my love and faith still took me to God. My conversation with him was that I love and trust him.  That even though I cant understand why it was not to be this time, that I know that he loves me, and I know that he heard my prayer the first time round when I asked him to fulfil my hearts desire to be a mother, and that his timing is always right.

Even though this feels hard, I still have that inner peace, that love always sees me through.. I have not lost hope, my faith makes me Believe… and like the quote by Beau Taplin says

“I am unstoppable… ”

 

As time goes by…

It has been a few months since I last posted.  Time seems to fly by and I am always thinking about the next steps that will be taken on my journey to be a mother.

I have had time to heal, to enjoy the lovely summer, train hard, eat well and feel as stress free as possible.

My MRI scan revealed a condition called Adenomyosis, which is when the endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, exists within and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus.  This is not treatable with surgery, only hormones and drugs.  This would interfere with IVF and baby making so nothing will be done about that right now.

I had a further Hysteroscopy which was to check how the previous surgery to correct my womb had healed and to make sure I had a healthy looking womb.

I had my appointment back at the Assisted Conception Unit last week, where we discussed the next plan.  I had been counting down the days to be at this point and was happy to be told that we are able to have a Frozen Embryo transfer!! This will be done on an Artificial/medical cycle.  So from today I am back on the Buserelin injections which means my hubby will back on his Doctor duties! The drugs and hormones will get the lining of my womb to the optimal required thickness ready for my embies to be placed in.

Its nearly time for my first jab! Waiting for my doctor to come home…