Overcoming loss and dealing with grief…

I have been meaning to write this post for months now, and I have finally sat down to do it!

Just to recap for you all. Last year we went ahead with our 4th go at IVF, my darling father paid for me to do it, which was in his own words “the greatest thing he has ever done for me!”

It resulted in my first ever pregnancy, from IVF and my first pregnancy in my whole entire life.  As you can imagine I was beyond ecstatic, my father was the second person I called to share my good news. I will never forget his joy, his love for me, his pure happiness…

As many of you know, I sadly lost my father, Raja Meehitiya on Fathers Day last year 2015, yes ironic, and bitter sweet that his passing was on that day.

My grief was overwhelming ,having to hear my baby sister over the phone, telling me that “daddy had died in the early hours of the morning from a heart attack, her voice I wont forget, telling me to be calm and not to worry as she would take control of what lay ahead and that she wanted me to stay calm as I was pregnant. I remember looking at my husband and saying to him that my daddy had died.  That look of pain and shock on his face also imprinted in my mind. I just kept sobbing and crying in a way that I have never cried before.  I could feel my pain deep down in my stomach as it sunk in that I had lost my dad.

Within a few days I was miscarrying…

We had been staying at our family home from the day Dad had passed, keeping my mother company, and dealing with all the things that had to be done and organised. We had endless visitors, family and friends around us day and night. It was full on to say the least!

I knew I was losing my pregnancy, and no matter what my doctor and nurses said, I knew that I could not hold on to them, my two precious transferred embies where no longer staying with me.  I decided that I wanted to be in my home, in my bed, and alone with my husband and let my body do what it needed.  We came home, and spent two days in bed together while I was had a full blown miscarriage.  We prayed together, and let our pregnancy go.  I asked god to help me cope and comfort me.  The physical pain was immense, and the emotional pain was indescribable.  I had gone from a happy pregnant woman to losing my dad and my first pregnancy all within a few days.

I can honestly say that I found a strength in me which I never knew I had.  I actually found comfort in knowing that my dad had passed knowing I was pregnant.  I felt thankful that he had died a very happy man. He was proud and content with his family.  We all loved him and had great relationships with him. I know I never had any grudges or resentments.  I had made peace with my dad years ago.  We had ironed out our differences, we had talked about our issues and resolved them because we loved each other. And that was all that mattered.

I would smile inside and think to myself that my father was in a place of rest and peace, a place where I believe we go to when this life is over.  As a Christian my faith and belief is the source of my strength. I cannot imagine how I would have coped, this is my truth, it is what I know.  I lean on God for all that I need.  I am forever amazed by his love as it truly gives me so much.

I wont over spiritualise or be all religious about what I believe in.  I do believe in God, I talk to God everyday, I hear God guide me, comfort me, and him being with me. I am who I am because of my faith.

The months that past after all that loss, where not easy, but I got through it.  My hubby of course is the one person who saw my darkest moments, and he truly is my rock.  He became more loving, even a little like my dad! which I love, as it just helps me know that my dads spirit, the essence of who he is has not left me. In fact I enjoy daily remembering my dad and feeling him with me still.

IVF took a complete back burner.  I did not want the pressure of it, the medications, and all those injections and hormones.  I just wanted to live my life, feel alive and find joy despite the grief that we as a family have had to experience.

By November I was back into my fitness, focusing on my new fitness goals. I was enjoying life, my hubby, my friends and family… I had so much love around me I was in a peaceful place.

December came and I had been going through a strange cycle the month before, and I had been keeping an eye on my cycle, and even informed my doctor that I was having a strange cycle with continuous spotting/bleeding.  I was not in any pain, and they assured me it was probably due to coming off medications, post miscarriage etc.

Then on the 7th Dec, I did a workout and felt strange, I had discomfort and could not walk properly, I kept hearing a voice inside me telling me to take a pregnancy test.  I felt silly buying it and even thought I was wasting my money as I had had my periods and apart from a strange cycle in Nov, why would I even be pregnant?! besides, I am the woman that has needed IVF to even try to get pregnant!

Even though I told this to myself I still took a test and to my shock it said I was pregnant! Happy and confused somewhat I called hubby, laughing and crying down the phone to tell him. I then called my GP who also was confused, as we tried to figure out dates, with the periods I had had etc. She booked me in for an emergency scan to help figure out the confusion. From what I could tell I would have fallen pregnant in October, but she said a scan will make it all clear.

Sadly the scan revealed that I was in fact around 7/8 weeks pregnant but the baby was growing in my fallopian tube. We where informed that the pregnancy had to be terminated immediately as I was about to rupture and my life was at risk. I would be rushed into theatre and my fallopian tube would have to be removed too!

Once again I had to take in another huge blow. We could see on a scan our baby, for us to have a few mins alone to say goodbye, to what was not meant to be.  That picture is also imprinted on my mind! There is hope for me, and we got pregnant naturally I told myself, and it can happened again, I may not still have the outcome I desire, but I am closer.

It is possible! my heart kept telling me, with my faith, with God, all things are possible.

I had a long recovery after major surgery, I was sore but not broken! I was glad that I only knew I was pregnant for a day, I had no real attachment to that pregnancy, as by the time I knew I was also saying goodbye to it, that helped a lot in a way, and of course I carried on digging deeper with my faith.

Now 2016 is upon us. I am about to turn 41! I look to God for all that I need, I look at life and its ups and downs, and thank God that I am his, that I find comfort, strength, hope and all the love in Believing!  Who knows what lies ahead, none of us know…What I do know is God is real to me. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs with my faith.  I choose to enjoy my family, friends, and my life as best I can. I have learnt that holding on to hurts, and pains is our choice, I can control what I choose to think about. I personally have experienced quite a lot to know that life is precious. I am not overthinking, not worrying, I am loving life and also except that death is a part of this life.  I am not afraid of death, I can talk about it, can see the beauty of life and no one can stop me from enjoying my life!

Oh and I have not stopped believing that I was born to be a mother too, I am excited for my maternal self!, and a family of our own is coming soon!

Thank you God! I know my prayers have been answered already…

I truly hope for those of you who are hurting, who feel like its too much to cope with, that you find comfort and peace too.  Thats my prayer for you… xxx