Overcoming loss and dealing with grief…

I have been meaning to write this post for months now, and I have finally sat down to do it!

Just to recap for you all. Last year we went ahead with our 4th go at IVF, my darling father paid for me to do it, which was in his own words “the greatest thing he has ever done for me!”

It resulted in my first ever pregnancy, from IVF and my first pregnancy in my whole entire life.  As you can imagine I was beyond ecstatic, my father was the second person I called to share my good news. I will never forget his joy, his love for me, his pure happiness…

As many of you know, I sadly lost my father, Raja Meehitiya on Fathers Day last year 2015, yes ironic, and bitter sweet that his passing was on that day.

My grief was overwhelming ,having to hear my baby sister over the phone, telling me that “daddy had died in the early hours of the morning from a heart attack, her voice I wont forget, telling me to be calm and not to worry as she would take control of what lay ahead and that she wanted me to stay calm as I was pregnant. I remember looking at my husband and saying to him that my daddy had died.  That look of pain and shock on his face also imprinted in my mind. I just kept sobbing and crying in a way that I have never cried before.  I could feel my pain deep down in my stomach as it sunk in that I had lost my dad.

Within a few days I was miscarrying…

We had been staying at our family home from the day Dad had passed, keeping my mother company, and dealing with all the things that had to be done and organised. We had endless visitors, family and friends around us day and night. It was full on to say the least!

I knew I was losing my pregnancy, and no matter what my doctor and nurses said, I knew that I could not hold on to them, my two precious transferred embies where no longer staying with me.  I decided that I wanted to be in my home, in my bed, and alone with my husband and let my body do what it needed.  We came home, and spent two days in bed together while I was had a full blown miscarriage.  We prayed together, and let our pregnancy go.  I asked god to help me cope and comfort me.  The physical pain was immense, and the emotional pain was indescribable.  I had gone from a happy pregnant woman to losing my dad and my first pregnancy all within a few days.

I can honestly say that I found a strength in me which I never knew I had.  I actually found comfort in knowing that my dad had passed knowing I was pregnant.  I felt thankful that he had died a very happy man. He was proud and content with his family.  We all loved him and had great relationships with him. I know I never had any grudges or resentments.  I had made peace with my dad years ago.  We had ironed out our differences, we had talked about our issues and resolved them because we loved each other. And that was all that mattered.

I would smile inside and think to myself that my father was in a place of rest and peace, a place where I believe we go to when this life is over.  As a Christian my faith and belief is the source of my strength. I cannot imagine how I would have coped, this is my truth, it is what I know.  I lean on God for all that I need.  I am forever amazed by his love as it truly gives me so much.

I wont over spiritualise or be all religious about what I believe in.  I do believe in God, I talk to God everyday, I hear God guide me, comfort me, and him being with me. I am who I am because of my faith.

The months that past after all that loss, where not easy, but I got through it.  My hubby of course is the one person who saw my darkest moments, and he truly is my rock.  He became more loving, even a little like my dad! which I love, as it just helps me know that my dads spirit, the essence of who he is has not left me. In fact I enjoy daily remembering my dad and feeling him with me still.

IVF took a complete back burner.  I did not want the pressure of it, the medications, and all those injections and hormones.  I just wanted to live my life, feel alive and find joy despite the grief that we as a family have had to experience.

By November I was back into my fitness, focusing on my new fitness goals. I was enjoying life, my hubby, my friends and family… I had so much love around me I was in a peaceful place.

December came and I had been going through a strange cycle the month before, and I had been keeping an eye on my cycle, and even informed my doctor that I was having a strange cycle with continuous spotting/bleeding.  I was not in any pain, and they assured me it was probably due to coming off medications, post miscarriage etc.

Then on the 7th Dec, I did a workout and felt strange, I had discomfort and could not walk properly, I kept hearing a voice inside me telling me to take a pregnancy test.  I felt silly buying it and even thought I was wasting my money as I had had my periods and apart from a strange cycle in Nov, why would I even be pregnant?! besides, I am the woman that has needed IVF to even try to get pregnant!

Even though I told this to myself I still took a test and to my shock it said I was pregnant! Happy and confused somewhat I called hubby, laughing and crying down the phone to tell him. I then called my GP who also was confused, as we tried to figure out dates, with the periods I had had etc. She booked me in for an emergency scan to help figure out the confusion. From what I could tell I would have fallen pregnant in October, but she said a scan will make it all clear.

Sadly the scan revealed that I was in fact around 7/8 weeks pregnant but the baby was growing in my fallopian tube. We where informed that the pregnancy had to be terminated immediately as I was about to rupture and my life was at risk. I would be rushed into theatre and my fallopian tube would have to be removed too!

Once again I had to take in another huge blow. We could see on a scan our baby, for us to have a few mins alone to say goodbye, to what was not meant to be.  That picture is also imprinted on my mind! There is hope for me, and we got pregnant naturally I told myself, and it can happened again, I may not still have the outcome I desire, but I am closer.

It is possible! my heart kept telling me, with my faith, with God, all things are possible.

I had a long recovery after major surgery, I was sore but not broken! I was glad that I only knew I was pregnant for a day, I had no real attachment to that pregnancy, as by the time I knew I was also saying goodbye to it, that helped a lot in a way, and of course I carried on digging deeper with my faith.

Now 2016 is upon us. I am about to turn 41! I look to God for all that I need, I look at life and its ups and downs, and thank God that I am his, that I find comfort, strength, hope and all the love in Believing!  Who knows what lies ahead, none of us know…What I do know is God is real to me. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs with my faith.  I choose to enjoy my family, friends, and my life as best I can. I have learnt that holding on to hurts, and pains is our choice, I can control what I choose to think about. I personally have experienced quite a lot to know that life is precious. I am not overthinking, not worrying, I am loving life and also except that death is a part of this life.  I am not afraid of death, I can talk about it, can see the beauty of life and no one can stop me from enjoying my life!

Oh and I have not stopped believing that I was born to be a mother too, I am excited for my maternal self!, and a family of our own is coming soon!

Thank you God! I know my prayers have been answered already…

I truly hope for those of you who are hurting, who feel like its too much to cope with, that you find comfort and peace too.  Thats my prayer for you… xxx

 

 

Hope The Anchor of my Soul

Where hope is...

Where hope is…

We are half way through the year and my journey has brought me to a new found place, a deeper love, a stronger desire to lean on my faith, a peace that surpasses all things…

March saw my 40th birthday! I happily embraced it, and celebrated with my friends and family. We also had another Frozen Embryo transfer not long after, which sadly did not work. As we had no more frozen embryos it meant we would have to start a new fresh IVF cycle.  I had not lost hope and hubby and quickly jumped back on the IVF journey.

My doctor had a new protocol and new medications where to be added to this cycle to help my immune system and calm the Adenomyosis within the muscles of my womb. April we started down regulating with Buserelin injections. We where was back on track.

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As May approached we started stimming and looked forward to growing some follicles and eventually retrieving lots of eggs!

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We had 10 eggs retrieved and after fertilisation only 3 embryos survived to transfer day. I was quite sad as I had hoped we would have many to freeze. The embryologist told us that they could transfer 2 and unfortunately the 3rd one was not of grade quality to freeze. Hubby just smiled at me and assured me that we had all that we needed and not to worry. So the transfer of two beautiful Grade 1 embryos went ahead. We went home excited and I got cosy and warm to let them snuggle in.  I prayed and thanked god, and hoped for the best.

Now I had to wait.

The waiting this time seemed easier than the last 3 times. I was very relaxed, the hormones and injections did not bother me or effect me in any negative way. I had no obvious symptoms or feelings. I just hoped and prayed that they would implant and stay with me.

A few days in I started to get severe bloating which is one of the side effects of Progesterone, but also an early pregnancy symptom. I quite enjoyed the size of my belly bloat though, made me look about 3 months pregnant!

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My belly bloat

It got closer to my test date, I was so nervous as I had been there many times before! The waiting of your embryos to settle in and then having to take the test and seeing negative has always the most heart wrenching part of my IVF experiences.

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My test result was positive! I cried with happiness and called Danny at work. I was almost hysterical with laughter and crying at the same time. I could not believe what I was seeing..! He came home from work just to see the test himself, we praised God together and thanked him for our pregnancy.

I will never forget the the responses from both my mother and father as I called them both individually to tell them my good news. Their joy and excitement was something I had never heard in their voices before. We where all so happy.

My parents and Danny’s parents came over the next day to celebrate with us. My dad cuddled and kissed me. He held me tight and said he thought I should think about moving back closer to where mum and him lived so that he can help me and take care of me and our babies.

I have never been so happy…

I constantly sent messages to hubby, and I embraced this new found joy.

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I talked to god constantly, thanking him, asking him to protect my babies and knew I would enjoy every min of my pregnancy.

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Being Pregnant for the first time, the happiest I have ever been..

I shared my news with only my closest friends and family as I wanted to wait until my scan before I shared it with everyone. I have always wanted my IVF and fertility journey to be shared as I know many other women like me who go through this. We all need to find strength and hope to keep on going!

Not long after I shared my good news, my family and I dealt with sudden death of my beautiful father. My sister broke the news to me at 7am on fathers day! I was so saddened by the loss of darling daddy. I cried so much and felt a pain I had never felt before. The sadness hit me deep in my soul. He had had a massive heart attack. It was quick and he did not suffer at all.

My daddy was my everything. My love, my King.

My King RIP xx

My King RIP xx

Sadly I miscarried a few days later.

The last few weeks has stirred many emotions, my soul has been pulled in many directions.

Only my faith and relationship with God has kept me at peace, THE ANCHOR OF MY SOUL! I continue to hope and believe in good things.

The day I miscarried, hubby and I prayed together, we released our babies to God and thanked him, we trust him with our lives and know that our story is still unfolding.  We feel the peace and comfort from our faith. I have all the hope as I know I will get pregnant again.

My father was laid to rest just this weekend gone. His life was celebrated as over 400 people attended his funeral. He was a great great man. Who helped and changed the lives of many.

I am comforted by knowing he passed away a very happy man, who took with him my happy news! I believe my babies and him are all together right now, resting in heavenly peace.

I will continue to hope and never stop Believing…

Day 3

I have a very tender feeling womb today, not sure if it is the endometriosis or the hormones.  Feeling very uncomfortable right now. Spent the day hanging out with the lovely Miss JJ, we had green smoothies and my left over butternut squash and chickpea curry. I love to feed friends my home cooked food! I stopped by to see my coach and training partners at the GymBox. I was hoping I would be getting some walking in, but I did not feel like it. Tired. Still was lovely to see them all. My usual Tuesday training would be from 3.30 to 5 pm intense leg specific training, then from 6 – 8pm double Bartendaz classes at the Gymbox!!!  I am so gonna miss my training. I train hard and love the feeling I get from it. Doctors orders are gentle walks only for now…

Injection was quick and painful. Hubby is tired, I am tired so off to bed now.

A quick notice I will be moving this version of my blog to www.ibelieveForever.com hopefully by tomorrow. So those of you who have so kindly followed me on www.iBelieveForever.wordpess.com please note the change. I look forward to settling there and getting into this blog world!

IVF day 3