2015 The Journey Continues…

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I have not written in ages, and felt that it was time to update and share where I am at in this journey and what has been going on.

Firstly the picture I have posted was taken by the wonderful photographer Sarah Monrose, we where shooting for a jewellery brand called Rivaalka. At the time this was taken I had just had my frozen embryo transfer and was waiting patiently for my two precious embryos to stick, to stay with me… I always feel the most beautiful and peaceful when that life of D and I together is in me. During that shoot in my spirit and thoughts where focused on them, on the dream, on love. I kept believing was knowing in my heart that I am a mother.

For those of you who know this journey you know what it is like to lose them, you know my pain and heartache. Each time I  had to say goodbye and know that they are with God.

Hubby and I decided that we would take a break from fertility treatment after that lsat round, I wanted to enjoy some time that was free from meds, and hormones, and the horrid progesterone needles!! We could have sometime to try naturally and enjoy ourselves and each other again.

December turned out to be an amazing month, I saw my beautiful little sister get married. The wedding was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I have ever been to! Then my entire family (that means everyone! aunties, uncles, cousins,babies and best friends)  travelled to Sri Lanka for xmas and New year. Hubby and I had one of the best holidays ever. So grateful for it, the memories I will treasure forever.

So here we are and 2015 is underway! The time off treatment has been good for us. Hubby as always is my rock, and the one who comforts me and encourages me to never stop believing. I have focused on getting fit again, and the last 5 weeks I have trained hard, pushed myself and achieved the goals I set in fitness. The bonus of fitness is that a healthy mindset also is nurtured, you need the balance, I need that balance!!

Of course my mind never stops thinking about having babies, and after this much needed break we have decided to get back into treatment. This week I had a consultation with my doctor and we made a plan. I am excited and feeling positive.  We have 2 frozen embryos still waiting. Injections will be starting soon, if my womb is ready we will continue on an artificial cycle like last time. If my doctor sees any problems with Adenomyosis and Endometriosis I will be booked in for further surgery before proceeding with the transfer.

Right now I am taking my time to keep my mind right, in line with my heart, and the promises of God in which I believe in.  I have a big birthday coming up, and I feel like I am finally settling into my true self, that God is guiding me into my true purpose. I will be a mother. With god there is always a way. He completes me.

I will always stay believing…

Unstoppable…

 

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

This quote came up on @missconceptioncoach ‘s Instagram feed last week when I found out that my Frozen Embryo transfer had failed.  Seemed so fitting and I have told myself everyday that I am never going to stop believing… that we will get there…

Its not easy writing having been so hopeful that this time after all the procedures and investigations, that my precious embies would stay with me.

Those of you who are familiar will know that day when you are finally ready to have them back inside you, your bladder full for the transfer, waiting for the embryologist and doctor to tell you the news that you wanted.. they thawed out safely, still perfectly in tact.  My heart leapt with joy and I cried tears of relief and happiness.

Hubby and I where left to cosy up and nest while my body and embies became one.  I fell in love again.  How can you not? when all you ever long for is a family of your own, that desire to be a mother and know that you are pregnant, something that seems so easy for many to attain, is my battle…

Sadly it was not to be.  I have not cried so much in ages and seeing my husband break down too in sadness just added to my pain. Even now as I write this part of me is in disbelief that they did not stay with me. I wish I had happy news to share.

What I can share is that my love and faith still took me to God. My conversation with him was that I love and trust him.  That even though I cant understand why it was not to be this time, that I know that he loves me, and I know that he heard my prayer the first time round when I asked him to fulfil my hearts desire to be a mother, and that his timing is always right.

Even though this feels hard, I still have that inner peace, that love always sees me through.. I have not lost hope, my faith makes me Believe… and like the quote by Beau Taplin says

“I am unstoppable… ”

 

Post Surgery

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Its been a while since I posted. I filled up my time after losing my embryos with plenty of training, work and enjoying my time.  Knowing that I had been told that my womb would need corrective surgery and that I had to have as more endometriosis dealt with, meant I was back to the waiting game, and this baby making journey had more hurdles to jump!

I absolutely loved my training time, I had 4 weeks before the surgery date to regain some strength after nearly 8 weeks off due to my IVF cycle.  I challenged myself and tried new things like pilates, and more indoor track training (sled suicides, burpee suicides, weighted lunges!) Managed to drop about 5lbs of fat in the process which I wanted as I knew I would be sedentary again after the operation.

The surgery date came around quickly. I was a little nervous as I knew how I would feel after a laparoscopy but no idea how the Hysteroscopy and corrective surgery would go.  I woke up and was in quite a lot of pain, and drifted in and out of sleep, thinking how much I just wanted to see hubby and go home.  My doctor came to discuss my surgery and explained how he had found that I also had a tube that was blocked and a very scarred ovary from endometriosis. He also wanted to book me in for an MRI scan to look deeper into my womb as he had noticed what he described as a heavy enlarged womb. He also continued to say that with all that he was doing and a little further to go ( another surgery), that we can get closer to getting me pregnant!

In all honesty as I am further into this journey with many obstacles, I am able to let go of worries quicker.  I do get impatient, I do have emotional outbursts, and feel sad at times… The key to all this, the thing that makes me able to keep going, to hang on to my dream, is my faith in God.  I speak to him, share my heart with him.  I will not fear, only BELIEVE….

 

 

After the two week wait…

photo-10 Where do I start? I have so much to say… The two week wait is over.  I had 2 embryos transferred back to me on the 26th April and 4 healthy embryos frozen.  Having my fertilised embryos given back to me was probably the happiest I have felt on this journey.

Every day I have thanked god and told him I know he has me as a mother in his plan for my life.  Sadly 12 days into my two week wait I started to bleed heavily. Was told by my nurse I had to continue with my progesterone and take the pregnancy test on the date I was instructed to. My heart new I had not held on to my precious embies, I have cried so much for them, but I know now for sure that they have gone, my test result is negative. This time round it was not meant to be.

I can honestly say that through the tears I am still thanking my god, and I have not lost hope. I know I will be a mother. IVF is emotionally and physically draining. My heart always goes out to all those women out there going through this too. We are warriors ladies, don’t give up! I have not….

My doctor noticed something during my transfer which no one had noticed through all my extensive fertility investigations and endometriosis treatment. He sat me and hubby down after the transfer to discuss what he had seen (my womb looked heart shaped, a normal womb is shaped like an upside down pear) and how he felt that it was effecting me getting pregnant and that he hoped this round would work, but if it did not he wanted to see me to and book me in to have an operation to correct the shape of my womb. I guess I walked away wanting to believe that this first time round of IVF would work.  Now that I know it did not work, I have even more hope and faith that all I need now is this corrective surgery and I will be ready to have my  Sleeping Beauties (Frozen embryos) back.

So how do I feel… sad yes very sad, am mourning the loss of my embies, I fell deeply in love with them… still crying as I write this… My hubby has been the most amazing person to me through this, he has smothered me with Love, cuddles and wipes away my tears. He reminds me that we are a team, in it together forever, we both believe in that God is in control. Once I am treated properly for something that had been missed up un till now, hubby and I are still on track to become parents.  I am thankful for my faith and belief.  I may feel emotions and cry but I am a believer… I wont sink into despair or fear.  I BELIEVE…

 

I am a Warrior at Heart…

Its been a while since my last post and been a busy week of IVF treatment.

I am so close now to having my fertilised eggs given back to me. I had my final scan on Monday. Was told that egg collection would be on wednesday.  Egg collection was quite uncomfortable and even though I was given sedation and painkillers, I found it painful.  I had the most amazing team throughout the procedure.  Half and hour after the sedation kicked in I was told 11 eggs had been collected.  I went home to recover and was told to wait for my call from the Embryologist.

Yesterday I took that phone call… I was told that 4 eggs had reached fertilisation and that I will be having a day 3 Transfer.  I have had so many emotions, all I want now is to have the transfer, to relax and let my body hold on tight to my precious precious embryos… My heart is speaking constantly to God…

 

 

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Using my imagination and having visions again….

15008bd4b8811eec6ba530e2398ce762 Its Day 22, everyday my mind is on this IVF treatment, facing the emotions and feelings that come with it.  Everyday I have to renew my mind daily with the word and promises of god.  I am overwhelmed and touched by the women I have met on this journey and those I have known already who continue to inspire me and remind me that we all have battles to face. It pushes me to be strong, to lean and rely on my faith… My awesome God!

Many beautiful women out there, who like myself, dream dreams of love, family, and hope for them to come true.  One of the things that I feel God is putting strongly on my heart is to use my imagination again.

I was always the daydreamer, in my teens, I indulged in daydreaming… after school I would come home, grab a book, always a fictional novel, always full of romance and passion.  I would read chapters, and then close my eyes and daydream… Imagining I was that character, the heroine in the book, that I had met the man of my dreams, that we fell madly in love… and then the love created a family… a family of my own… I honestly spent more time daydreaming in my teens than anything else.  I would recreate those visions in sketches, paintings… and always hope that as I fell asleep at night that I once again I would be taken on a journey of yet more beautiful dreams at night…

So as of today, I am making a conscious effort to daydream again, to use my imagination, to visualise my self pregnant, going through the pregnancy and giving birth to my babies.. my gifts from God.  I have been afraid to daydream. For so many years, have I been constantly disappointed, and listened to the negative thoughts in my head, that I have failed, that I am not complete, that I won’t be a mother.  The dreams became nightmares…

I know for a fact that my negative thoughts are damaging, that I must fill my mind and speak into my life the power and truth of love! I will daydream , and fill my imagination with love, love  and more love!! God is love… This is what I BELIEVE… anything is possible if you believe!!!!  I Believe…. x

 

Love is…

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I often hear women say  “he did not love me enough!!”  There are many questions of why? and  many conclusions to why their relationship is not working.

We all know that relationships are never perfect, that the initial heightened emotions and feelings of a brand new relationship cannot be sustained daily, that time will add all sorts of  feelings to a relationship. Its not all about the butterflies and passion…

I have come to realise that love has no measure. Love truly is unconditional. After 11 years together  along with its many storms, heartaches, our love has had its trails and tests! Only through honest communication, compassion, forgiveness, patience, kindness and a desire to never let the other go, have we come to understand what love is…

Love is a decision that we have made to do. Its an action, an ongoing work . A commitment to each other that we will stay together through it all, because in our hearts, with all the emotions and feelings aside, we know that we can’t live without each other, we want to spend the rest of lives together. ” To Infinity and beyond “… (my niece Willow is watching Toy Story while I write this !!! )

 

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I have finally started my blog and this is my first post!!!  Its taken me a while, I am excited and emotional cause today is the day I start my IVF treatment, its a special day. Its nearly 8pm which is the time I will be having my first injection. I have spent all day trying to figure out how to set my blog up, its been a slow process, not something I know much about. As much as I love sharing my journey on my Instagram account Nalintha_lala, blogging has been on my mind and am excited to have finally started to do it. I have so much more to share!!

I have spent years silently suffering from the stress and emotions of not being able to conceive, not even my family have known. I recently  plucked up the courage to tell them that I have been undergoing investigations by my doctor and specialist into why my hubby and I have not been able to conceive. Even though I have strong faith, I am a believer who believes in the best,   I have struggled with the disappointments and of never falling pregnant. My ever loving and supportive hubby has always told me he loves me no matter what, that I am all that he needs and with me he is content. I really do love him so much. We have been through a lot ,11 years together has had its ups and downs yet we have overcome and become stronger.

Have always known deep down that being a wife and mother is where my heart and passion lies. I love being a wife and long to be a mother. I adore children, and have longed for my own babies for years.

December last year I was finally told a laparoscopy would help my doctors know in which direction I should go as it was looking like assisted conception was needed. The laparoscopy revealed that I have endometriosis and had I subsequently had some surgery for.  So here I am today about to start my IVF cycle. IVF treatment is the best way to help me get pregnant due to the endometriosis which has prevented me from getting pregnant.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. Above all I always put my trust in God as he is who I always lean and rely on. I have my peace of mind with my faith and this journey is only possible for me, with him…

Day 1 of IVF