Overcoming loss and dealing with grief…

I have been meaning to write this post for months now, and I have finally sat down to do it!

Just to recap for you all. Last year we went ahead with our 4th go at IVF, my darling father paid for me to do it, which was in his own words “the greatest thing he has ever done for me!”

It resulted in my first ever pregnancy, from IVF and my first pregnancy in my whole entire life.  As you can imagine I was beyond ecstatic, my father was the second person I called to share my good news. I will never forget his joy, his love for me, his pure happiness…

As many of you know, I sadly lost my father, Raja Meehitiya on Fathers Day last year 2015, yes ironic, and bitter sweet that his passing was on that day.

My grief was overwhelming ,having to hear my baby sister over the phone, telling me that “daddy had died in the early hours of the morning from a heart attack, her voice I wont forget, telling me to be calm and not to worry as she would take control of what lay ahead and that she wanted me to stay calm as I was pregnant. I remember looking at my husband and saying to him that my daddy had died.  That look of pain and shock on his face also imprinted in my mind. I just kept sobbing and crying in a way that I have never cried before.  I could feel my pain deep down in my stomach as it sunk in that I had lost my dad.

Within a few days I was miscarrying…

We had been staying at our family home from the day Dad had passed, keeping my mother company, and dealing with all the things that had to be done and organised. We had endless visitors, family and friends around us day and night. It was full on to say the least!

I knew I was losing my pregnancy, and no matter what my doctor and nurses said, I knew that I could not hold on to them, my two precious transferred embies where no longer staying with me.  I decided that I wanted to be in my home, in my bed, and alone with my husband and let my body do what it needed.  We came home, and spent two days in bed together while I was had a full blown miscarriage.  We prayed together, and let our pregnancy go.  I asked god to help me cope and comfort me.  The physical pain was immense, and the emotional pain was indescribable.  I had gone from a happy pregnant woman to losing my dad and my first pregnancy all within a few days.

I can honestly say that I found a strength in me which I never knew I had.  I actually found comfort in knowing that my dad had passed knowing I was pregnant.  I felt thankful that he had died a very happy man. He was proud and content with his family.  We all loved him and had great relationships with him. I know I never had any grudges or resentments.  I had made peace with my dad years ago.  We had ironed out our differences, we had talked about our issues and resolved them because we loved each other. And that was all that mattered.

I would smile inside and think to myself that my father was in a place of rest and peace, a place where I believe we go to when this life is over.  As a Christian my faith and belief is the source of my strength. I cannot imagine how I would have coped, this is my truth, it is what I know.  I lean on God for all that I need.  I am forever amazed by his love as it truly gives me so much.

I wont over spiritualise or be all religious about what I believe in.  I do believe in God, I talk to God everyday, I hear God guide me, comfort me, and him being with me. I am who I am because of my faith.

The months that past after all that loss, where not easy, but I got through it.  My hubby of course is the one person who saw my darkest moments, and he truly is my rock.  He became more loving, even a little like my dad! which I love, as it just helps me know that my dads spirit, the essence of who he is has not left me. In fact I enjoy daily remembering my dad and feeling him with me still.

IVF took a complete back burner.  I did not want the pressure of it, the medications, and all those injections and hormones.  I just wanted to live my life, feel alive and find joy despite the grief that we as a family have had to experience.

By November I was back into my fitness, focusing on my new fitness goals. I was enjoying life, my hubby, my friends and family… I had so much love around me I was in a peaceful place.

December came and I had been going through a strange cycle the month before, and I had been keeping an eye on my cycle, and even informed my doctor that I was having a strange cycle with continuous spotting/bleeding.  I was not in any pain, and they assured me it was probably due to coming off medications, post miscarriage etc.

Then on the 7th Dec, I did a workout and felt strange, I had discomfort and could not walk properly, I kept hearing a voice inside me telling me to take a pregnancy test.  I felt silly buying it and even thought I was wasting my money as I had had my periods and apart from a strange cycle in Nov, why would I even be pregnant?! besides, I am the woman that has needed IVF to even try to get pregnant!

Even though I told this to myself I still took a test and to my shock it said I was pregnant! Happy and confused somewhat I called hubby, laughing and crying down the phone to tell him. I then called my GP who also was confused, as we tried to figure out dates, with the periods I had had etc. She booked me in for an emergency scan to help figure out the confusion. From what I could tell I would have fallen pregnant in October, but she said a scan will make it all clear.

Sadly the scan revealed that I was in fact around 7/8 weeks pregnant but the baby was growing in my fallopian tube. We where informed that the pregnancy had to be terminated immediately as I was about to rupture and my life was at risk. I would be rushed into theatre and my fallopian tube would have to be removed too!

Once again I had to take in another huge blow. We could see on a scan our baby, for us to have a few mins alone to say goodbye, to what was not meant to be.  That picture is also imprinted on my mind! There is hope for me, and we got pregnant naturally I told myself, and it can happened again, I may not still have the outcome I desire, but I am closer.

It is possible! my heart kept telling me, with my faith, with God, all things are possible.

I had a long recovery after major surgery, I was sore but not broken! I was glad that I only knew I was pregnant for a day, I had no real attachment to that pregnancy, as by the time I knew I was also saying goodbye to it, that helped a lot in a way, and of course I carried on digging deeper with my faith.

Now 2016 is upon us. I am about to turn 41! I look to God for all that I need, I look at life and its ups and downs, and thank God that I am his, that I find comfort, strength, hope and all the love in Believing!  Who knows what lies ahead, none of us know…What I do know is God is real to me. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs with my faith.  I choose to enjoy my family, friends, and my life as best I can. I have learnt that holding on to hurts, and pains is our choice, I can control what I choose to think about. I personally have experienced quite a lot to know that life is precious. I am not overthinking, not worrying, I am loving life and also except that death is a part of this life.  I am not afraid of death, I can talk about it, can see the beauty of life and no one can stop me from enjoying my life!

Oh and I have not stopped believing that I was born to be a mother too, I am excited for my maternal self!, and a family of our own is coming soon!

Thank you God! I know my prayers have been answered already…

I truly hope for those of you who are hurting, who feel like its too much to cope with, that you find comfort and peace too.  Thats my prayer for you… xxx

 

 

Hope The Anchor of my Soul

Where hope is...

Where hope is…

We are half way through the year and my journey has brought me to a new found place, a deeper love, a stronger desire to lean on my faith, a peace that surpasses all things…

March saw my 40th birthday! I happily embraced it, and celebrated with my friends and family. We also had another Frozen Embryo transfer not long after, which sadly did not work. As we had no more frozen embryos it meant we would have to start a new fresh IVF cycle.  I had not lost hope and hubby and quickly jumped back on the IVF journey.

My doctor had a new protocol and new medications where to be added to this cycle to help my immune system and calm the Adenomyosis within the muscles of my womb. April we started down regulating with Buserelin injections. We where was back on track.

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As May approached we started stimming and looked forward to growing some follicles and eventually retrieving lots of eggs!

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We had 10 eggs retrieved and after fertilisation only 3 embryos survived to transfer day. I was quite sad as I had hoped we would have many to freeze. The embryologist told us that they could transfer 2 and unfortunately the 3rd one was not of grade quality to freeze. Hubby just smiled at me and assured me that we had all that we needed and not to worry. So the transfer of two beautiful Grade 1 embryos went ahead. We went home excited and I got cosy and warm to let them snuggle in.  I prayed and thanked god, and hoped for the best.

Now I had to wait.

The waiting this time seemed easier than the last 3 times. I was very relaxed, the hormones and injections did not bother me or effect me in any negative way. I had no obvious symptoms or feelings. I just hoped and prayed that they would implant and stay with me.

A few days in I started to get severe bloating which is one of the side effects of Progesterone, but also an early pregnancy symptom. I quite enjoyed the size of my belly bloat though, made me look about 3 months pregnant!

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My belly bloat

It got closer to my test date, I was so nervous as I had been there many times before! The waiting of your embryos to settle in and then having to take the test and seeing negative has always the most heart wrenching part of my IVF experiences.

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My test result was positive! I cried with happiness and called Danny at work. I was almost hysterical with laughter and crying at the same time. I could not believe what I was seeing..! He came home from work just to see the test himself, we praised God together and thanked him for our pregnancy.

I will never forget the the responses from both my mother and father as I called them both individually to tell them my good news. Their joy and excitement was something I had never heard in their voices before. We where all so happy.

My parents and Danny’s parents came over the next day to celebrate with us. My dad cuddled and kissed me. He held me tight and said he thought I should think about moving back closer to where mum and him lived so that he can help me and take care of me and our babies.

I have never been so happy…

I constantly sent messages to hubby, and I embraced this new found joy.

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I talked to god constantly, thanking him, asking him to protect my babies and knew I would enjoy every min of my pregnancy.

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Being Pregnant for the first time, the happiest I have ever been..

I shared my news with only my closest friends and family as I wanted to wait until my scan before I shared it with everyone. I have always wanted my IVF and fertility journey to be shared as I know many other women like me who go through this. We all need to find strength and hope to keep on going!

Not long after I shared my good news, my family and I dealt with sudden death of my beautiful father. My sister broke the news to me at 7am on fathers day! I was so saddened by the loss of darling daddy. I cried so much and felt a pain I had never felt before. The sadness hit me deep in my soul. He had had a massive heart attack. It was quick and he did not suffer at all.

My daddy was my everything. My love, my King.

My King RIP xx

My King RIP xx

Sadly I miscarried a few days later.

The last few weeks has stirred many emotions, my soul has been pulled in many directions.

Only my faith and relationship with God has kept me at peace, THE ANCHOR OF MY SOUL! I continue to hope and believe in good things.

The day I miscarried, hubby and I prayed together, we released our babies to God and thanked him, we trust him with our lives and know that our story is still unfolding.  We feel the peace and comfort from our faith. I have all the hope as I know I will get pregnant again.

My father was laid to rest just this weekend gone. His life was celebrated as over 400 people attended his funeral. He was a great great man. Who helped and changed the lives of many.

I am comforted by knowing he passed away a very happy man, who took with him my happy news! I believe my babies and him are all together right now, resting in heavenly peace.

I will continue to hope and never stop Believing…

2015 The Journey Continues…

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I have not written in ages, and felt that it was time to update and share where I am at in this journey and what has been going on.

Firstly the picture I have posted was taken by the wonderful photographer Sarah Monrose, we where shooting for a jewellery brand called Rivaalka. At the time this was taken I had just had my frozen embryo transfer and was waiting patiently for my two precious embryos to stick, to stay with me… I always feel the most beautiful and peaceful when that life of D and I together is in me. During that shoot in my spirit and thoughts where focused on them, on the dream, on love. I kept believing was knowing in my heart that I am a mother.

For those of you who know this journey you know what it is like to lose them, you know my pain and heartache. Each time I  had to say goodbye and know that they are with God.

Hubby and I decided that we would take a break from fertility treatment after that lsat round, I wanted to enjoy some time that was free from meds, and hormones, and the horrid progesterone needles!! We could have sometime to try naturally and enjoy ourselves and each other again.

December turned out to be an amazing month, I saw my beautiful little sister get married. The wedding was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I have ever been to! Then my entire family (that means everyone! aunties, uncles, cousins,babies and best friends)  travelled to Sri Lanka for xmas and New year. Hubby and I had one of the best holidays ever. So grateful for it, the memories I will treasure forever.

So here we are and 2015 is underway! The time off treatment has been good for us. Hubby as always is my rock, and the one who comforts me and encourages me to never stop believing. I have focused on getting fit again, and the last 5 weeks I have trained hard, pushed myself and achieved the goals I set in fitness. The bonus of fitness is that a healthy mindset also is nurtured, you need the balance, I need that balance!!

Of course my mind never stops thinking about having babies, and after this much needed break we have decided to get back into treatment. This week I had a consultation with my doctor and we made a plan. I am excited and feeling positive.  We have 2 frozen embryos still waiting. Injections will be starting soon, if my womb is ready we will continue on an artificial cycle like last time. If my doctor sees any problems with Adenomyosis and Endometriosis I will be booked in for further surgery before proceeding with the transfer.

Right now I am taking my time to keep my mind right, in line with my heart, and the promises of God in which I believe in.  I have a big birthday coming up, and I feel like I am finally settling into my true self, that God is guiding me into my true purpose. I will be a mother. With god there is always a way. He completes me.

I will always stay believing…

Unstoppable…

 

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

Unstoppable by Beau Taplin

This quote came up on @missconceptioncoach ‘s Instagram feed last week when I found out that my Frozen Embryo transfer had failed.  Seemed so fitting and I have told myself everyday that I am never going to stop believing… that we will get there…

Its not easy writing having been so hopeful that this time after all the procedures and investigations, that my precious embies would stay with me.

Those of you who are familiar will know that day when you are finally ready to have them back inside you, your bladder full for the transfer, waiting for the embryologist and doctor to tell you the news that you wanted.. they thawed out safely, still perfectly in tact.  My heart leapt with joy and I cried tears of relief and happiness.

Hubby and I where left to cosy up and nest while my body and embies became one.  I fell in love again.  How can you not? when all you ever long for is a family of your own, that desire to be a mother and know that you are pregnant, something that seems so easy for many to attain, is my battle…

Sadly it was not to be.  I have not cried so much in ages and seeing my husband break down too in sadness just added to my pain. Even now as I write this part of me is in disbelief that they did not stay with me. I wish I had happy news to share.

What I can share is that my love and faith still took me to God. My conversation with him was that I love and trust him.  That even though I cant understand why it was not to be this time, that I know that he loves me, and I know that he heard my prayer the first time round when I asked him to fulfil my hearts desire to be a mother, and that his timing is always right.

Even though this feels hard, I still have that inner peace, that love always sees me through.. I have not lost hope, my faith makes me Believe… and like the quote by Beau Taplin says

“I am unstoppable… ”

 

As time goes by…

It has been a few months since I last posted.  Time seems to fly by and I am always thinking about the next steps that will be taken on my journey to be a mother.

I have had time to heal, to enjoy the lovely summer, train hard, eat well and feel as stress free as possible.

My MRI scan revealed a condition called Adenomyosis, which is when the endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, exists within and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus.  This is not treatable with surgery, only hormones and drugs.  This would interfere with IVF and baby making so nothing will be done about that right now.

I had a further Hysteroscopy which was to check how the previous surgery to correct my womb had healed and to make sure I had a healthy looking womb.

I had my appointment back at the Assisted Conception Unit last week, where we discussed the next plan.  I had been counting down the days to be at this point and was happy to be told that we are able to have a Frozen Embryo transfer!! This will be done on an Artificial/medical cycle.  So from today I am back on the Buserelin injections which means my hubby will back on his Doctor duties! The drugs and hormones will get the lining of my womb to the optimal required thickness ready for my embies to be placed in.

Its nearly time for my first jab! Waiting for my doctor to come home…

 

Post Surgery

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Its been a while since I posted. I filled up my time after losing my embryos with plenty of training, work and enjoying my time.  Knowing that I had been told that my womb would need corrective surgery and that I had to have as more endometriosis dealt with, meant I was back to the waiting game, and this baby making journey had more hurdles to jump!

I absolutely loved my training time, I had 4 weeks before the surgery date to regain some strength after nearly 8 weeks off due to my IVF cycle.  I challenged myself and tried new things like pilates, and more indoor track training (sled suicides, burpee suicides, weighted lunges!) Managed to drop about 5lbs of fat in the process which I wanted as I knew I would be sedentary again after the operation.

The surgery date came around quickly. I was a little nervous as I knew how I would feel after a laparoscopy but no idea how the Hysteroscopy and corrective surgery would go.  I woke up and was in quite a lot of pain, and drifted in and out of sleep, thinking how much I just wanted to see hubby and go home.  My doctor came to discuss my surgery and explained how he had found that I also had a tube that was blocked and a very scarred ovary from endometriosis. He also wanted to book me in for an MRI scan to look deeper into my womb as he had noticed what he described as a heavy enlarged womb. He also continued to say that with all that he was doing and a little further to go ( another surgery), that we can get closer to getting me pregnant!

In all honesty as I am further into this journey with many obstacles, I am able to let go of worries quicker.  I do get impatient, I do have emotional outbursts, and feel sad at times… The key to all this, the thing that makes me able to keep going, to hang on to my dream, is my faith in God.  I speak to him, share my heart with him.  I will not fear, only BELIEVE….

 

 

Learning to walk in peace…

2012-11-25_1353855165 Its been over 3 weeks since I last wrote on here.  I have been meaning to write but never gotten round to it.  I wont lie I have found the last few weeks very challenging, there have been many emotional outbursts that only my hubby has witnessed.  I still feel a sense of loss and sadness about the embryos that where lost.  There are days I wake up and feel anxious as I remember where I am in my life, in my journey to be a mother.  Patience is tested, along with my faith and I fight the battle of doubts and fears, which often come in to my mind.  The one thing I do know is that I love God, I believe in his love and power in my life.  So as much as my soul can waiver my spirit is filled with the love of God. All I have to do is keep reminding myself that I am not alone. His light far outshines the darkness. I have made more of a conscious habit to meditate on his word. I find that I must start my day this way or my day tends to go off in the wrong direction and then my emotions take over.

Thats the beauty of faith, you don’t need masses of it, you just have to believe… my hope makes me hang on to my dreams, and I allow myself to renew my mind with love and beautiful promises.

One of the promises of God that I mediate on daily is that he gives me his peace. God knows how much we need peace of mind.  I don’t have to ask him for it, as he has given it to me, my spirit at one with his. I draw on that promise and it helps me enjoy my day, remain thankful, and know that I am blessed.

 

After the two week wait…

photo-10 Where do I start? I have so much to say… The two week wait is over.  I had 2 embryos transferred back to me on the 26th April and 4 healthy embryos frozen.  Having my fertilised embryos given back to me was probably the happiest I have felt on this journey.

Every day I have thanked god and told him I know he has me as a mother in his plan for my life.  Sadly 12 days into my two week wait I started to bleed heavily. Was told by my nurse I had to continue with my progesterone and take the pregnancy test on the date I was instructed to. My heart new I had not held on to my precious embies, I have cried so much for them, but I know now for sure that they have gone, my test result is negative. This time round it was not meant to be.

I can honestly say that through the tears I am still thanking my god, and I have not lost hope. I know I will be a mother. IVF is emotionally and physically draining. My heart always goes out to all those women out there going through this too. We are warriors ladies, don’t give up! I have not….

My doctor noticed something during my transfer which no one had noticed through all my extensive fertility investigations and endometriosis treatment. He sat me and hubby down after the transfer to discuss what he had seen (my womb looked heart shaped, a normal womb is shaped like an upside down pear) and how he felt that it was effecting me getting pregnant and that he hoped this round would work, but if it did not he wanted to see me to and book me in to have an operation to correct the shape of my womb. I guess I walked away wanting to believe that this first time round of IVF would work.  Now that I know it did not work, I have even more hope and faith that all I need now is this corrective surgery and I will be ready to have my  Sleeping Beauties (Frozen embryos) back.

So how do I feel… sad yes very sad, am mourning the loss of my embies, I fell deeply in love with them… still crying as I write this… My hubby has been the most amazing person to me through this, he has smothered me with Love, cuddles and wipes away my tears. He reminds me that we are a team, in it together forever, we both believe in that God is in control. Once I am treated properly for something that had been missed up un till now, hubby and I are still on track to become parents.  I am thankful for my faith and belief.  I may feel emotions and cry but I am a believer… I wont sink into despair or fear.  I BELIEVE…

 

I am a Warrior at Heart…

Its been a while since my last post and been a busy week of IVF treatment.

I am so close now to having my fertilised eggs given back to me. I had my final scan on Monday. Was told that egg collection would be on wednesday.  Egg collection was quite uncomfortable and even though I was given sedation and painkillers, I found it painful.  I had the most amazing team throughout the procedure.  Half and hour after the sedation kicked in I was told 11 eggs had been collected.  I went home to recover and was told to wait for my call from the Embryologist.

Yesterday I took that phone call… I was told that 4 eggs had reached fertilisation and that I will be having a day 3 Transfer.  I have had so many emotions, all I want now is to have the transfer, to relax and let my body hold on tight to my precious precious embryos… My heart is speaking constantly to God…

 

 

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Grow Follicles Grow!!!

26 Days into IVF…

Had my third scan today.  Scans are not the most pleasant, and today my left ovary was playing hide and seek! which did not help.  Finally my wonderful sonographer managed to find it and was told I had 5 follicles growing in my right ovary and 3 on my right! I have another scan booked in for monday.  Doctor is happy with the progress and how my body is reacting to the medication.

I feel very uncomfortable now, like I have done oblique exercises!! A little sore and I find laying down the most comfortable position. Walking around I literally feel like I am carrying eggs in two baskets…

So we continue on over the Easter break with two jabs a night, lots of kisses, and cuddles galore….

Happy Easter…x